


Knocking On Heaven's Door

by adastreia_writes



Category: attack on titan/shingeki no kyojin
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 09:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5329904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adastreia_writes/pseuds/adastreia_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Mama take this badge from me<br/>I can't use it anymore.<br/>It's getting dark, too dark to see<br/>Feel I'm knocking on heaven's door</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knocking On Heaven's Door

How had he not noticed it? How had he not seen the black smoke signal? He couldn't believe he let the Abnormal catch up to them. His squad… He'd lost his squad again. Coughing up blood as he moved, Levi tried to turn his battered body to see if there were any survivors. The only thing he could see was the vivid green grass covered in crimson blood from the detached limbs and the bitten-in-half bodies of the people that used to make up his squad. Dead. They were all dead. He couldn't protect them. He wasn't strong enough. At that moment, he couldn't help but recall the once joyful faces of his old squad; Gunther, Oruo, Eld… Petra.

***

“You brats should get to work, you know.” he'd heard Oruo’s voice say in a monotone tone. Levi stopped walking and listened in on his subordinates, partly curious and partly annoyed. He heard Petra give a frustrated sigh.  
“Seriously, Oruo, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that the Corporal doesn't speak like that! Why are you even trying to imitate him in the first place?” she asked, annoyance evident in her voice.  
“You obviously don't know what you're talking abou-“ Oruo started saying, but he was cut off by Levi walking in the room. Everyone saluted him, putting one balled fist over their hearts and one behind their backs. After he silently dismissed their salutes, he sat down in the chair at the head of the table and put his feet on the mahogany wood. It took but a few seconds for everyone to go back to their conversations; Petra and Oruo kept bantering, Eld and Gunther resumed their talk about their ODM gear and Levi picked his tea cup up in that weird way of his and brought it to his lips, taking a sip of the hot liquid. And in that moment, while with his squad, observing them quietly, if someone looked carefully enough, they could see a content smile forming on his lips.

***

This time it was raining. The violent drops hit Levi’s window as his gaze traveled through the world outside it, a perfect poker face on. Good, he thought. That's how the weather should be like. Dark, mournful.  
He'd lost them. He'd left them on their own to protect that little brat and now they were dead, their bodies not even brought back. He had no one else to blame than himself for that. He had, for a second time, lost everything he held close to his heart. His thoughts lingered on a certain someone. Maybe not everything, then. He still had him.  
He didn't know what came over him. He'd gotten up and left his room, letting his feet lead him. For a moment, he couldn't see the reason behind his actions, but in a span of a few minutes, he realized why his subconscious was leading to him. He needed to feel the warmth of his body, to wrap his arms around him, to hear his heartbeat, to make sure he was still there. He desperately needed the comfort. Once he'd reached his office, he entered without even knocking, immediately grasping his attention.  
“Levi?” Erwin asked, obviously surprised, raising an eyebrow at him. When Levi didn't do or say anything, Erwin put his quill down and with a sigh, he got out of his chair and walked up to the shorter man who wore a seemingly blank, disinterested expression. But Erwin knew him better than that. The years they'd been side by side had granted him the privilege of being able to see past the composed façade and stare right into the eyes of a broken man he'd met once upon a time in the Underground City. And as Erwin stared at him, waiting for him to tell him what was bothering him, Levi could feel his mask miserably breaking.  
Before he could even comprehend what he was doing, he hugged Erwin’s tall figure tightly and pressed his ear to his chest, right over his heart. Ba-dumb. Ba-dumb. Ba-dumb. It was beating. It was beating, steadily and strongly and constantly. He was there. He was still alive. He was still breathing and his heart was beating. Levi could feel his eyes stinging with hot, salty tears that he refused to let stroke down his cheeks. It took everything in him to keep himself composed, calm.  
Erwin wiggled out of Levi’s death grip and eyed him up and down worriedly. Noticing the unshed tears, he finally voiced the big question: “What's wrong?”  
And that was all that Levi needed to lose the balance he had been keeping between his emotions and his inhumaine, uncaring, emotionless persona and fall right into the unbelievable mess of his bottled up feelings. An ugly sob escaped his lips and the tears he had been trying to hold back run down his pale face, forming small rivers. And then, after the first sob came another, and then another, and the tears kept flowing until he couldn't stop even if his life depended on it.  
With a stoic expression in tact, Erwin wrapped his arms carefully around the Corporal and Levi clung on his shirt and buried his face in his chest, wetting his shirt and keeping him in place, as if he was afraid that if he let go, he'd disappear too. Erwin tried to comfort him by stroking his hair; it didn't work.  
“I didn't protect them. I left them behind.” Levi finally managed to choke out weakly after his sobbing calmed down a bit. He felt Erwin’s arms moving from his waist to his chin and he tilted his head up enough to give him a gentle kiss on the forehead.  
“Shh… You couldn't do anything else.” He told him. Levi shook his head.  
“I let them down, Erwin. They trusted me and I let them down! They put blind faith in me, and look where that got them… I lost them. I have nothing left. Nothing…” he trailed off, a lump in his throat deeming him unable to continue talking. His grip on Erwin’s shirt had loosened as he was starting to feel more confident that he wouldn't leave him alone as soon as he let go. In a second or two, he felt two hands cupping his cheeks, pulling his head up to look into those icy blue eyes he had so madly fallen for over the years.  
“You still have me.” Erwin said in all seriousness.  
“But for how long?” Levi whispered, unable to being himself to speak louder. He was too tired to even do that. In response, Erwin leaned in and planted a soft, sweet, reassuring kiss on his lips. Levi found himself lost in that kiss and all it was supposed to mean: I'm here. I'm with you. You're not alone.  
When the kiss ended and Levi opened his eyes again, he breathed out a sigh.  
“I'm always going to be with you, Levi.” Erwin reassured him as he wiped some stray tears from Levi’s face.  
“I love you.” he said instead of answering him. Erwin looked at him, awestruck. Those words had never left his mouth before. They had only been uttered by Erwin. Levi looked at him briefly before letting out a half-hearted, almost hysterical laugh, as if laughing a himself for not having said it for so long.  
“God, Erwin, I do. I love you so much.”he said after having stopped laughing. A small smile formed on Erwin’s lips.  
“I love you too, Levi. And I'll never leave you. Try to keep that in mind, yeah?”he told him, kissing his forehead once more.  
“Yeah.” Levi whispered.  
That day, they'd spend it together, talking, cuddling in silence and offering comfort to each other, letting their guards down for a single time and allowing themselves to forget about the Titans, about their fallen comrades, about everything.

Little did they know, it wasn't Erwin who would leave Levi…

***

A gasp escaped from Levi’s lips. Erwin. The Abnormal that broke through the formation. The smoke… He hadn't fired the black smoke signal. The Abnormal had killed the one responsible for firing them and then… Then it had devoured his squad and left him like that. Panic overtook him. He needed to find the pistol to fire the signal. His was on his horse, which had ran away long ago. He turned his body over, an ear piercing scream coming out of his throat and filling the silence of the sunny plain. The scorching pain originated from two main areas; his leg and his stomach. His leg up to his thigh was now in the stomach of the damned Abnormal. His stomach, suffering from several deep wounds caused by Titan teeth. He'd lost too much blood. He was practically swimming in a pool of his own blood and he had already passed out once. He was bleeding out and every move he made set off a new wave of pain. Yet he could focus on none of that because at the time, they didn't matter. All that mattered was that he warned Erwin. He had to warn him. He had to.  
He noticed a case with the smoke signals, bent and covered in blood, yet hopefully still functioning. He started crawling his way to it, trying to avoid looking at the corpses that surrounded him and keep his screams in. He wanted to give up. The pain was too much. It hurt to move. But he couldn't yet. He had to fire the signal first. As soon as he did that –warned them, warned him-, then he could finally let go and find peace.  
He got to it rather fast, given his condition, but the adrenalin his body was running on was enough to keep him going. With his bloody hands leaving stains on the pistol, he came face to face with a decision: should he fire only the black smoke or fire the purple one as well? Did he want help? He certainly needed it, but did he even deserve it? After all, it seemed only fair that he suffered the same fate as all of the comrades he'd left behind did. In the end, however, he fired both.  
He would suffer the same fate as them. But he needed to do one last thing before he died. He needed to leave something behind for Erwin to remember him even if his body didn't make it through that mess. He just hoped he could fight death’s claws off for a little bit longer. Just until someone got to him.  
It seemed like hours had passed since he'd fired the emergency smoke signal and he was beginning to think that no one had seen it or that no one would be brave enough to go to him. But then, he heard the gallops of the horse and distant voices and suddenly, a familiar face entered his blurry line of vision; Hange. Her face was filled with horror and, for once, seriousness. Pure and utter seriousness; no sign of excitement or light-heartiness. Just by seeing that, Levi understood how bad his condition must have been.  
“Oh my God, Levi, we need to get you help! Eren, bring the spare horse over!”she shouted out and got up from next to him to get something from her horse; bandages, probably.  
“No… Hange.” Levi croaked out with difficulty. Hange turned around and went back to him.  
“I need to bandage you, you idiot. You have already lost too much blood. We need to save you.” She told him in panic. He shook his head tiredly. Yes, he was tired. Soon, he would finally rest. But he had to do this first.  
“Heichou!” Levi heard Eren’s emotion-ridden voice. Eren. Thank God he'd told Hange to take him for this expedition. He held the key to humanity’s not only survival, but freedom too. Erwin would kill him if he lost Eren too. Erwin…  
“Hange…” he said weakly, outstretching his arm towards her with his fingers curled in a bloody fist, seemingly holding something. Hange took his fist into her hands. Tears were starting to form in her eyes as she realized that this was the end for him.  
“Please… Take this to Erwin for me… Please Hange.”he told her, his words slurring and his arm dropping after he made sure that Hange had taken hold on what he had given her.  
“Why don't you come with us and neither of us has to give him anything.”she said, in a desperate attempt to deny what was happening before her eyes. He shook his head.  
“I won't make it, I'm too weak. Just listen to me for once, will you?”he told her, his own eyes filling with tears as he finally, truly understood what was in hold for him. He really was dying. This really was the end. And he had been useless against the Titans. He was dying for nothing.  
“Squad Captain Hange! A Titan is approaching! We need to get a move on!” one of Hange’s squad members shouted. Levi lifted his gaze. Indeed, a 7 meter class Titan was slowly coming their way. It hadn't noticed them though. Not yet.  
“Fire the signal, let the others know! Eren, the horse!” she shouted. “Come on, asshole. You're not going down yet.” She continued through gritted teeth as she tried to lift Levi’s body, but it only resulted in him screaming out and her dropping him back on the ground.  
“God damnit, Shitty Eyes! Just take this to Erwin, take my ODM gear if you want something to bury, but go! I'll only slow you down! Don't endanger your comrades!” he bursted out. Hange sobbed as her squad looked at them. Two crumbled people, just trying to survive.  
“We have a horse, we can take you with us!” Hange replied, her voice raised to talk some sense into him, in a last attempt to deny his fate.  
“I've lost too much blood. You said so yourself. There's no scenario in which I survive. I'm dying. So please. Please just… Just let me pay for my sins by dying like they did.” He said, in a defeated tone, with a face covered in his own blood, merged with his tears and his eyes already losing their spark. Hange’s enraged expression softened and after a moment of hesitation, she nodded, tightening her grip around the object Levi had given her, took his broken ODM gear and got on her horse.  
“We’re heading out.” She said solemnly, her voice quivering and facing away from him. She just couldn't look at him when she was leaving him behind. Levi could hear Eren’s protests as the squad galloped away.  
He was exhausted. So, so exhausted. And so, for the last time in his life, he took in the blue sky, the tall trees, the birds flying away, the outside world before he closed his eyes. The last thing that crossed his mind was the image of the blond haired, blue eyed commander.

By the time the Titan reached him and devoured what remained of his body, Levi had already passed away. In fact, even as the Titan bit into his body and cut it in half, one could still see the peaceful smile he died with on his face.

***

“Commander Erwin.” A familiar voice called out to him. Erwin turned around to see Hange standing there, with a grim expression on her face. It quite mirrored his own. Another failed expedition. Another few dozens of soldiers that lost their lives. And for what? Nothing. No progress was made. So many people lost their lives in vain. And they couldn't even retrieve all of the bodies. So many families that would have to live in the obvious lie that their loved ones are missing. But Erwin still maintained the image of a cold-blooded, heartless bastard.  
“Hange. I'm glad you made it back.” He said, formality laced in his words. Hange took a shaky breath.  
“Me too, sir.” She said. She looked like she wanted to say something else, but there was also something keeping her from doing so. Erwin noticed, but he decided against pressing her to find out. Instead, he changed the subject.  
“Have you seen Levi anywhere?” He asked. He had been looking for him for a while, but his squad seemed to have been held back. But if Hange, who was behind him in the formation, had returned, then so should he.  
What happened next wasn't even close to what he had expected. Hange hung her head low and put her fist over her heart in a salute as her body began uncomfortably shaking.  
“Lance Corporal Levi Ackerman is dead, sir! He and his squad were victims of an Abnormal ambush and he was the only survivor when my squad found him. He was severely injured and could not come with us.” She said, her voice loud and her cheeks wet with silent tears.  
Something broke inside of Erwin upon hearing the words leave her mouth. No. He couldn't be dead. The Abnormal was eliminated. They reported back to him with that intel. Levi couldn't be dead.  
“How did it happen?” He asked, his voice void of any emotion. His face didn't reflect on his inner turmoil, either. It was collected, composed. He couldn't let his mask crack.  
“Erwin…” Hange said softly, knowing that if she told him, it would only hurt him more.  
“How did it happen?” He demanded more forcefully. She sighed.  
“My guess is they didn't spot the Abnormal soon enough. It killed the rest of his squad and left him with a missing leg and teeth wounds on his stomach. I think… I think the Abnormal tried to eat him but he injured it, making it drop him and possibly lose interest or get distracted. He was already half dead when we found him. And, he refused to let us take him with us. Another Titan was approaching and he made us leave him behind. I only got to retrieve his ODM gear before the Titan got to him…” She explained quietly. Erwin couldn't help but widen his teary eyes and let his jaw slightly drop. He wasn't surprised, no. He simply never thought that the man that he loved and had survived so many times through the years would actually meet his demise like that. It should be considered normal to die by a Titan in their line of work. But you never really think something can happen to you until it actually does.  
“I'm sorry, Erwin. I know how much he meant to you.” Hange said. He nodded. Hange had been one of the few people who knew about his relationship with Levi and she had kept their secret all this time. Until the very end.  
“Okay. You're dismissed.” He said swiftly to avoid talking enough for his voice to crack. He wanted to show emotion. He should be crying. He should be shouting. He should be feeling. But he couldn't. Not when people could see him.  
“Before I go…” Hange started and outstretched her arm to him, “He did have a last wish. He told me to give this to you. To remember him.”  
He looked at her hand for a second before taking it from her. It was a badge; the Wings of Freedom. He gasped. To anyone else, it was just a bloody piece of cloth, but not to him. He knew the meaning behind this badge. He knew what it was; proof. Proof for him that Levi had existed.

***

Erwin had seen Levi do that many times before. He'd loom over the dead bodies –or rather, what was left of them- of the fallen soldiers after every battle with the Titans in every exploratory expedition. He would uncover the cloths they wrapped them in and with a sharp knife, he'd cut their Scout Regiment badges out of their jackets. It always provoked Erwin's curiosity, but he had never asked him why he did that. Not until one time when he was trying to find some ink in his office and he'd opened a drawer that was full of badges; some bloody, some hastily cut around the edges, some with strings hanging from them.  
“Why do you collect them?” He'd asked him during one of the many times they'd spent the night together, staying awake side by side. Levi had looked at him, not surprised, like Erwin had expected, but rather as if he had been expecting the question. Before answering, he had turned his body so he was facing him and he'd buried his face in the crook of his neck.  
“It's proof.” He'd said quietly, calmly. Erwin had waited for him to continue, already putting the pieces together in his mind.  
“We… We leave so many people behind. We send so many to their deaths. It looks like we don't care, like we consider them expendable. But they're not. They're humans. They have names. Families. Loved ones. And when we leave their bodies behind, it's like we don't have proof that these people ever existed. This is my proof.” He'd finally explained after a pause of about five minutes. Erwin thought about it. The times when both he and Levi had been called heartless bastards were unaccountable. Their inferiors called them that. The people called them that.  
But they were both anything but that. 

***

It made sense. Levi must have understood that his body was too weak for him to go with anyone who would find him without slowing them down. He would have to be one the people they would leave behind. He would eventually be eaten. And he knew that. That's why he had sent proof of his existence to Erwin through Hange. But it wasn't only proof this time; it was also remembrance and a last sign of his love for him. It was as if Levi was telling him: I was here, so don't forget me.  
“Do you think he’ll go to hell?” Erwin asked Hange suddenly just as she was about to leave him alone to mourn. She looked at him, evidently taken aback by the question.  
“I…” She started, but Erwin cut her off.  
“I mean, I'm sure I will. I have to pay for my sins at some point. I'd like to think, though, that he won't. But he was just as bad as I was. So, is he going to hell?” He asked, refusing to let Hange see his face and trying to keep his voice even. She hesitated.  
“No,” she finally concluded, “He's not going to hell. He may have blood on his ledger, but we all have. It's part of being a soldier. But the both of you always knew what must be sacrificed for a better outcome and you focused on your duty rather than your emotions. That's not a sin. And even if it was, I'd say he redeemed himself when he sacrificed himself to give us a head-start to that Titan. So no, he's not going to hell. In fact, I think that right now, he's knocking on heaven’s door and they're about to let him in.” She told him and then left him by himself. 

She's right, Erwin thought. Then, allowing himself a few moments of weakness, he held the Wings of Freedom close to his heart and he cried. He cried for Levi Ackerman. For Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. For his friend. And above all, for his lover.


End file.
